Hello, old friend.

Well hey there. It's been a while.

I've updated my stats tab, and I'll try to stay diligent with updating it. Meanwhile I'm working on creating a wall of photos, with hidden thinspo, which I'll post a photo of later on. I'm sort of busy with school and whatnot, but I've got to do what I've got to, no matter what it is.

I've noticed recently that the gap between my thighs is slightly bigger, but not nearly as big as I'd like it to be. I've found loads of nice thinspo videos on YouTube, I'll throw some links up for them later.

I found a guy that's really interested in me and I want to be petite for him. I want to be so small that when he sees me he says, "Whoa, you're tinier than I thought you were." I'm DONE being the chubby one. I'm DONE being jealous of other girls. It's time for them to be jealous of me. I just want to be like I've always dreamt of being, and I KNOW I can!! Every person has a skinny person within them, but not every person has the gall to achieve it... and I'm going to!

Please note: I've also put up a current photo of me in the stats bar (it's bad quality, but what do you care?).

Been a while.

Wow, man.

I've been working hard at my goal. Today was just green beans and strawberries.
I'm having some really troubling thoughts about this person I know at work. It's difficult to explain the situation and feel there is to the environment when I am vs. when I am not around this person. It's positive and negative all rolled up in one and I can't seem to put my finger on exactly what is going on.

*sigh*

Well, later, I guess.




Miss Madeline Fogg

Low-Fat Cottage Cheese

Yum yum yum, I love cottage cheese. One 113g serving (comes in little cups) is 90 calories. And it's low-fat, so there are 2.5g of fat (1.5g saturated). I don't feel super awesome about that, but it's a nice treat for myself after I've been working very hard these last few days. I've been on my bicycle a lot. And when I'm at work, I'm very active as well. There's hardly a moment when I am sitting or even just not walking around and carrying hefty books.

I started an actual food diary. It's pretty helpful, but I have to make sure that my parents NEVER find it.

Later, dudes.




Miss Madeline Fogg

Pissed Off to the Point of Numbness

It's difficult to follow, so I won't explain too in depth, but I'm currently attempting to achieve a certain level of access (like, novice access) in the US military computer system. It's required for my job at the library to have this type of access. And the damn government red tape is all over the place. Everywhere I turn, I am rejected. I thought finally, after about two and a half weeks, today might go well and I'd get the access approval that I need, but it didn't and I am angry to the point where I just feel completely numb.


It's almost 17:00. I haven't eaten all day and I could easily go the rest of the day without.


I've found some nice home work-outs that I am incorporating into my daily routine. Meanwhile, I'm quite busy with work and keeping things up in general. That's about it.








Miss Madeline Fogg

Gaaaahhhh!

I was doing really well all day until my mother told me that we were having tacos for supper tonight. Tacos are a major weakness for me. I probably ate about 800 or 900 calories. Eww. :( That's two days in a row! I bought some fashion magazines that will hopefully motivate me to be more dedicated. I just feel awful. My mother also bought me some black skinny jeans and some pinstripe pants, but those are going to hang off me when soon enough. Thought I'm starting to lose hope. :/

I'd like to go for a bicycle ride or something to ate least burn off some of the calories I so foolishly packed on today, but I just feel so sick. Maybe I'll just go anyway.

*Sigh* Talk about a bad evening...




Miss Madeline Fogg

Binge :(

I binged on cereal today. It was awful and I wanted to puke my guts out, but I decided to go cycling instead. I burned about 2000 calories, and it was freezing cold and pouring rain, so my body was shivering and trying to keep me warm, so that's even more calories. Total, I burned much, much more than I ate, so that's good. I still feel bad about it though. :( I feel like I don't have to eat for about 7 more years... I think I'll go on a hike this evening and that will make things better. Oh, and I'll take a supper with me and tell my parents that I'll eat it when I get to the top of the mountain (but of course I won't) so then I skip supper. I think I deserve to skip supper, what with the huge binge earlier. It was grotesque.


There's not much else to say... I hate my body and that's about it. I just want to lose this weight already. I'm getting quite impatient. I guess that just means I have to exercise more. 


Off I go up the mountain!








Miss Madeline Fogg

Popsicles!

Okay, two posts in one day, holy bomb raid, I'm scandalous.



I'm going to eat popsicles!

"What? What did you say, Fogg? You're eating popsicles?? Do you know how fat you'll get?!"

Well... what if I told you that these popsicles are ZERO CALORIE popsicles?!

"What!! How did you ever manage that, Fogg?!?!"

Well, let me tell you. I went to the grocery store looking for that super low-cal dressing that I like and I found an even better one. It would be only 10 calories for supper (total!). So I picked that up. But then I kept walking and the area with the powder flavour packets caught my eye, so I stopped. While I was there, I found a small bottle of liquid flavour (to add to water) that had ZERO calories and no sugar at all. Normally they have about 10 calories per packet, but this was a liquid that you add to water and is zero calories! And it comes in so many different flavours too. I picked up a fruity flavour and was about to leave when I saw the popsicle trays with little plastic teddy bears decorating them! And so of course, I had to get those. But that caused me to leave the salad dressing behind because I didn't want to spend a lot of money. I'm just going to have to stick to the salad dressing I have until tomorrow. That'll be fine.

Basically, I mixed up the water and the liquid flavour (until I thought it was a good taste) and poured it into the popsicle tray. It makes four popsicles and holds about 200mL total, meaning that each popsicle is roughly 50mL. I'm waiting for them to freeze up and I'm so excited to try it!

...

My stomach hurts really bad and I'm really hungry and tired and heaven knows I'm dehydrated. I walked a bit over 5 km today, so that's good. That means I burned about 300 extra calories (... I was going very slowly...). My family is thinking about maybe seeing The Amazing Spiderman tonight at a nearby theatre, in which case I would have to cycle myself almost 20 km just to buy the tickets. I kind of want to go, but my mother will try to make me eat nasty popcorn and other greasy theatre food/candy. I'll have to refuse to that, but she'll probably want to get me something so I'll most likely just go for a diet (calorie-free) fizzy drink.

I suppose that's it.




Miss Madeline Fogg

Slow Morning

I feel like this morning could not be passing by any more slowly. It's excruciatingly boring here. I've got nothing to do at all, and it's kind of tempting me to eat. I keep going into the kitchen and looking at different foods and saying to myself things like:

• "No... too many calories."
• "Keep your mind set on the goal, Fogg."
• "Binging will just make you bloated and your stomach will cramp."
• "Peanut butter is terrible for you - it's what made you fat in the first place."
• "You've been doing so well this far, Fogg, you don't want to give up now, do you? Just see how long you can go for."
• "Your body will store any and all of what you eat as fat. You don't want that, do you, Fogg?"
• "You don't even know what that's made of, do you? That can't be good for you."
• "Just hold off for a little while longer. You'll thank me later."
• "Just distract yourself until suppertime when you can eat some lettuce."
• "Leave. Leave the apartment right now. If you're not in the apartment, you can't eat that food."
• "You don't need food, you just want it. Everybody else is lower than you because they need food to operate. But you don't, Fogg. You are superior. You are elite. You are stronger."
• "You don't want to see that number go up, do you? You'll launch yourself into a panic attack. That's what I thought. Leave the kitchen."

I almost ate a frosted animal cracker! The millisecond I put it in my mouth, I remembered that there was that not-very-well-known animal product in it (the one I was talking about a few posts ago). Then I took it out of my mouth and put it in the compost box. Eventually, I ate two of my favourite baby pickles (which I have previously stated have no calories). But I found that I didn't like the taste anymore. That makes me kind of sad because I used to love those things so much. Oh well, less sodium then, as that's basically all that was in them, nutritionally.

It can be so hard sometimes just to ignore the lethargy and hunger. I have become accustomed to my stomach rumbling low noises at me and I really like the feeling and the noise. I feel really inadequate though, when I look at myself and compare myself to girls who have been restricting for so much longer than I have. I mean, I've hated my body ever since I could remember. I never remember being comfortable in my skin, even when I was in preschool. I've been judging myself to be ugly and fat ever since I had heard the words. And I have an entire wall in my room that's made of mirrors so it's almost impossible to avoid seeing my reflection. After I reach my goal weight, I will be prettier and, more importantly, comfortable. For me, it's not all about being pretty. It's about finally feeling okay to not have to hide from others (and myself). It's about not hating what I see in my wall of mirrors. It's about ... being comfortable. I just want to feel comfortable.

By the way, I weighed myself again this morning because I had a moment alone and I felt like it. 153.8 lbs. :) It wasn't long ago that it was so much more than that. However, I do still have 43.8 pounds until I get to where I really want to be. But jeeeeez, my thighs are so humongous! They're absolutely massive! I want them to be smaller. And my rear end? Gaaahhhh!! Even bigger! I mean, I kind of like when ladies have a little bit of 'junk in the trunk,' (heehee) but my ass is the bad-huge kind of rear, not the good-huge kind of rear. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

*Siiiiiiiigggghhhh*

... I feel a long day ahead of me. I just want to get through this day! I really should get on my bicycle and burn some calories, and I'm already dressed, so I might as well do that after I finish this blog post.

My mother told me last night that playing board games for about 20 minutes burns roughly 32 calories. We play Rummikub (a board game) at supper every single night, so I then thought to myself, "Hah, that means that supper has virtually no bad effect because I'm burning more calories just by playing the board game than my supper actually gives me!" But instead I just pretended that I knew nothing about what she was talking about and was very confused by the concept of 'Calories.' ... "Was, Mum? What are calories?"

My family has a Wii console and Wii Fit, so I think I might go on that today and do an update. I haven't been on Wii Fit for like... eight or nine months. I'm worried though, that if my father sees me on it, he will think I'm thinking too much about my weight. Maybe I'll refrain for now. 

Well anyway... off I go into the wilderness, heh.

Miss Madeline Fogg

What the Hell is 'Breakfast'?

This morning I ate breakfast. Weird, right? I almost forgot that breakfast exists. Flax Plus Multibran Flakes with some milk. Total, it was 50 calories. Those were definitely burned off on my bike ride though. Trying this whole breakfast thing was okay... but I think I won't do that again.


Work was nice. :) I think today is the only day so far that I can honestly say that. I keep thinking that this guy that works with me there is interested in me. I mean, I catch him looking at me, he always brushes by me or bumps me even though there's plenty of room, he jokes with me, he situates himself in order to sit/be by me, he shows off in front of me, and he just flat-out flirts with me sometimes. I'm definitely getting the hints, but I don't want to be too forward, especially since I don't know him all that well. Hell, he might have a girl/boyfriend (in which case he's a terrible boyfriend). I'd like to play it cool, but I'm finding myself wondering if we'll be scheduled for work at the same time or if I'll see him or if he'll talk to me. Jeez, just chill the fuck out, Fogg. Gawd.


Well anyway, supper tonight will be salad (again) with that light dressing that tastes like raspberries. Yum. That will be 25 cal. Tuesday Calorie Count: 75. I weighed myself this morning out of curiosity and the scale said 156. It's kind of addictive, seeing the number drop. 


I forgot to stop by the craft store (which is near work) today after work to get some shit to do in my spare time instead of eating (beads for bracelets, other shit, etc.). Oh, and I forgot to swing by the food store (also near work) and get some even lighter salad dressing. But that's okay because it gives me a reason to cycle all the way down there tomorrow, which I wouldn't have done because I have that day off. So more exercise, yay!


I stocked up on sugar-free mint gum today because that helps me to not eat. And it keeps my breath spelling nice. I quite like mint gum. It's seriously the best thing ever. I can't get enough!


Well, I suppose that's it for today. I think I might try to get an anorexia buddy... maybe... maybe not. I'll think about it.


Thin for him.








Miss Madeline Fogg

Grilled Cheese 2.0

Today, I found the best "meal substitute" ever. It's a piece of toast (made with a certain type of bread) with half a wedge of a certain low-fat cheese spread. It tastes like grilled cheese and is 81.25 calories! And I could cut it in half and could save the other half for some time later, or just throw it away. I feel really good about this. :D Meanwhile, I'm drinking more water in order to fill up and chewing sugarfree gum to curb my appetite.


That said, my calorie count today should be under 100 because for supper all I have to do is pick at a salad and drink some water so that my parents think I eat more than I actually do. I ate that toast in front of my father & brother earlier so that's good. And my family will see me eat the salad later (which for me is only negative-calorie vegetables and half a serving of a very light 50-cal-per-serving vinaigrette). Being an acclaimed vegetarian is certainly helpful.


I do wish though that I had more freedom and control. I want to be in university and have total control of what I eat (or rather - don't). I'll just have to wait a wee bit while longer for that though.  It's taking a little too long for me to see the results that I want to see, but I did mess up last week by getting off to a rougher start than preferable. I think if I don't see more prominent results by my next weigh-in (Sunday), then I'll kick it up a notch and start exercising more.


But to remind myself, my goal is 48 more pounds in 7 weeks. That's a bit under 7 pounds a week. *Gasp!* A realization just hit me! This is feasible! This is tangible! Last week, even with that rough start, I managed to lose 5.8 pounds!! I can totally do this and I've just gotten a huge explosion of motivation. This whole time I've been thinking, 'Well maybe... just maybe I can do it. It's not certain though.' And now that I've just actually done the math, I can totally get this done! I just have to manage myself and keep my sights set on my goal. :)


I can do this!








Miss Madeline Fogg