Slow Morning

I feel like this morning could not be passing by any more slowly. It's excruciatingly boring here. I've got nothing to do at all, and it's kind of tempting me to eat. I keep going into the kitchen and looking at different foods and saying to myself things like:

• "No... too many calories."
• "Keep your mind set on the goal, Fogg."
• "Binging will just make you bloated and your stomach will cramp."
• "Peanut butter is terrible for you - it's what made you fat in the first place."
• "You've been doing so well this far, Fogg, you don't want to give up now, do you? Just see how long you can go for."
• "Your body will store any and all of what you eat as fat. You don't want that, do you, Fogg?"
• "You don't even know what that's made of, do you? That can't be good for you."
• "Just hold off for a little while longer. You'll thank me later."
• "Just distract yourself until suppertime when you can eat some lettuce."
• "Leave. Leave the apartment right now. If you're not in the apartment, you can't eat that food."
• "You don't need food, you just want it. Everybody else is lower than you because they need food to operate. But you don't, Fogg. You are superior. You are elite. You are stronger."
• "You don't want to see that number go up, do you? You'll launch yourself into a panic attack. That's what I thought. Leave the kitchen."

I almost ate a frosted animal cracker! The millisecond I put it in my mouth, I remembered that there was that not-very-well-known animal product in it (the one I was talking about a few posts ago). Then I took it out of my mouth and put it in the compost box. Eventually, I ate two of my favourite baby pickles (which I have previously stated have no calories). But I found that I didn't like the taste anymore. That makes me kind of sad because I used to love those things so much. Oh well, less sodium then, as that's basically all that was in them, nutritionally.

It can be so hard sometimes just to ignore the lethargy and hunger. I have become accustomed to my stomach rumbling low noises at me and I really like the feeling and the noise. I feel really inadequate though, when I look at myself and compare myself to girls who have been restricting for so much longer than I have. I mean, I've hated my body ever since I could remember. I never remember being comfortable in my skin, even when I was in preschool. I've been judging myself to be ugly and fat ever since I had heard the words. And I have an entire wall in my room that's made of mirrors so it's almost impossible to avoid seeing my reflection. After I reach my goal weight, I will be prettier and, more importantly, comfortable. For me, it's not all about being pretty. It's about finally feeling okay to not have to hide from others (and myself). It's about not hating what I see in my wall of mirrors. It's about ... being comfortable. I just want to feel comfortable.

By the way, I weighed myself again this morning because I had a moment alone and I felt like it. 153.8 lbs. :) It wasn't long ago that it was so much more than that. However, I do still have 43.8 pounds until I get to where I really want to be. But jeeeeez, my thighs are so humongous! They're absolutely massive! I want them to be smaller. And my rear end? Gaaahhhh!! Even bigger! I mean, I kind of like when ladies have a little bit of 'junk in the trunk,' (heehee) but my ass is the bad-huge kind of rear, not the good-huge kind of rear. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

*Siiiiiiiigggghhhh*

... I feel a long day ahead of me. I just want to get through this day! I really should get on my bicycle and burn some calories, and I'm already dressed, so I might as well do that after I finish this blog post.

My mother told me last night that playing board games for about 20 minutes burns roughly 32 calories. We play Rummikub (a board game) at supper every single night, so I then thought to myself, "Hah, that means that supper has virtually no bad effect because I'm burning more calories just by playing the board game than my supper actually gives me!" But instead I just pretended that I knew nothing about what she was talking about and was very confused by the concept of 'Calories.' ... "Was, Mum? What are calories?"

My family has a Wii console and Wii Fit, so I think I might go on that today and do an update. I haven't been on Wii Fit for like... eight or nine months. I'm worried though, that if my father sees me on it, he will think I'm thinking too much about my weight. Maybe I'll refrain for now. 

Well anyway... off I go into the wilderness, heh.

Miss Madeline Fogg