Been a while.

Wow, man.

I've been working hard at my goal. Today was just green beans and strawberries.
I'm having some really troubling thoughts about this person I know at work. It's difficult to explain the situation and feel there is to the environment when I am vs. when I am not around this person. It's positive and negative all rolled up in one and I can't seem to put my finger on exactly what is going on.

*sigh*

Well, later, I guess.




Miss Madeline Fogg

Low-Fat Cottage Cheese

Yum yum yum, I love cottage cheese. One 113g serving (comes in little cups) is 90 calories. And it's low-fat, so there are 2.5g of fat (1.5g saturated). I don't feel super awesome about that, but it's a nice treat for myself after I've been working very hard these last few days. I've been on my bicycle a lot. And when I'm at work, I'm very active as well. There's hardly a moment when I am sitting or even just not walking around and carrying hefty books.

I started an actual food diary. It's pretty helpful, but I have to make sure that my parents NEVER find it.

Later, dudes.




Miss Madeline Fogg

Pissed Off to the Point of Numbness

It's difficult to follow, so I won't explain too in depth, but I'm currently attempting to achieve a certain level of access (like, novice access) in the US military computer system. It's required for my job at the library to have this type of access. And the damn government red tape is all over the place. Everywhere I turn, I am rejected. I thought finally, after about two and a half weeks, today might go well and I'd get the access approval that I need, but it didn't and I am angry to the point where I just feel completely numb.


It's almost 17:00. I haven't eaten all day and I could easily go the rest of the day without.


I've found some nice home work-outs that I am incorporating into my daily routine. Meanwhile, I'm quite busy with work and keeping things up in general. That's about it.








Miss Madeline Fogg

Gaaaahhhh!

I was doing really well all day until my mother told me that we were having tacos for supper tonight. Tacos are a major weakness for me. I probably ate about 800 or 900 calories. Eww. :( That's two days in a row! I bought some fashion magazines that will hopefully motivate me to be more dedicated. I just feel awful. My mother also bought me some black skinny jeans and some pinstripe pants, but those are going to hang off me when soon enough. Thought I'm starting to lose hope. :/

I'd like to go for a bicycle ride or something to ate least burn off some of the calories I so foolishly packed on today, but I just feel so sick. Maybe I'll just go anyway.

*Sigh* Talk about a bad evening...




Miss Madeline Fogg

Binge :(

I binged on cereal today. It was awful and I wanted to puke my guts out, but I decided to go cycling instead. I burned about 2000 calories, and it was freezing cold and pouring rain, so my body was shivering and trying to keep me warm, so that's even more calories. Total, I burned much, much more than I ate, so that's good. I still feel bad about it though. :( I feel like I don't have to eat for about 7 more years... I think I'll go on a hike this evening and that will make things better. Oh, and I'll take a supper with me and tell my parents that I'll eat it when I get to the top of the mountain (but of course I won't) so then I skip supper. I think I deserve to skip supper, what with the huge binge earlier. It was grotesque.


There's not much else to say... I hate my body and that's about it. I just want to lose this weight already. I'm getting quite impatient. I guess that just means I have to exercise more. 


Off I go up the mountain!








Miss Madeline Fogg

Popsicles!

Okay, two posts in one day, holy bomb raid, I'm scandalous.



I'm going to eat popsicles!

"What? What did you say, Fogg? You're eating popsicles?? Do you know how fat you'll get?!"

Well... what if I told you that these popsicles are ZERO CALORIE popsicles?!

"What!! How did you ever manage that, Fogg?!?!"

Well, let me tell you. I went to the grocery store looking for that super low-cal dressing that I like and I found an even better one. It would be only 10 calories for supper (total!). So I picked that up. But then I kept walking and the area with the powder flavour packets caught my eye, so I stopped. While I was there, I found a small bottle of liquid flavour (to add to water) that had ZERO calories and no sugar at all. Normally they have about 10 calories per packet, but this was a liquid that you add to water and is zero calories! And it comes in so many different flavours too. I picked up a fruity flavour and was about to leave when I saw the popsicle trays with little plastic teddy bears decorating them! And so of course, I had to get those. But that caused me to leave the salad dressing behind because I didn't want to spend a lot of money. I'm just going to have to stick to the salad dressing I have until tomorrow. That'll be fine.

Basically, I mixed up the water and the liquid flavour (until I thought it was a good taste) and poured it into the popsicle tray. It makes four popsicles and holds about 200mL total, meaning that each popsicle is roughly 50mL. I'm waiting for them to freeze up and I'm so excited to try it!

...

My stomach hurts really bad and I'm really hungry and tired and heaven knows I'm dehydrated. I walked a bit over 5 km today, so that's good. That means I burned about 300 extra calories (... I was going very slowly...). My family is thinking about maybe seeing The Amazing Spiderman tonight at a nearby theatre, in which case I would have to cycle myself almost 20 km just to buy the tickets. I kind of want to go, but my mother will try to make me eat nasty popcorn and other greasy theatre food/candy. I'll have to refuse to that, but she'll probably want to get me something so I'll most likely just go for a diet (calorie-free) fizzy drink.

I suppose that's it.




Miss Madeline Fogg

Slow Morning

I feel like this morning could not be passing by any more slowly. It's excruciatingly boring here. I've got nothing to do at all, and it's kind of tempting me to eat. I keep going into the kitchen and looking at different foods and saying to myself things like:

• "No... too many calories."
• "Keep your mind set on the goal, Fogg."
• "Binging will just make you bloated and your stomach will cramp."
• "Peanut butter is terrible for you - it's what made you fat in the first place."
• "You've been doing so well this far, Fogg, you don't want to give up now, do you? Just see how long you can go for."
• "Your body will store any and all of what you eat as fat. You don't want that, do you, Fogg?"
• "You don't even know what that's made of, do you? That can't be good for you."
• "Just hold off for a little while longer. You'll thank me later."
• "Just distract yourself until suppertime when you can eat some lettuce."
• "Leave. Leave the apartment right now. If you're not in the apartment, you can't eat that food."
• "You don't need food, you just want it. Everybody else is lower than you because they need food to operate. But you don't, Fogg. You are superior. You are elite. You are stronger."
• "You don't want to see that number go up, do you? You'll launch yourself into a panic attack. That's what I thought. Leave the kitchen."

I almost ate a frosted animal cracker! The millisecond I put it in my mouth, I remembered that there was that not-very-well-known animal product in it (the one I was talking about a few posts ago). Then I took it out of my mouth and put it in the compost box. Eventually, I ate two of my favourite baby pickles (which I have previously stated have no calories). But I found that I didn't like the taste anymore. That makes me kind of sad because I used to love those things so much. Oh well, less sodium then, as that's basically all that was in them, nutritionally.

It can be so hard sometimes just to ignore the lethargy and hunger. I have become accustomed to my stomach rumbling low noises at me and I really like the feeling and the noise. I feel really inadequate though, when I look at myself and compare myself to girls who have been restricting for so much longer than I have. I mean, I've hated my body ever since I could remember. I never remember being comfortable in my skin, even when I was in preschool. I've been judging myself to be ugly and fat ever since I had heard the words. And I have an entire wall in my room that's made of mirrors so it's almost impossible to avoid seeing my reflection. After I reach my goal weight, I will be prettier and, more importantly, comfortable. For me, it's not all about being pretty. It's about finally feeling okay to not have to hide from others (and myself). It's about not hating what I see in my wall of mirrors. It's about ... being comfortable. I just want to feel comfortable.

By the way, I weighed myself again this morning because I had a moment alone and I felt like it. 153.8 lbs. :) It wasn't long ago that it was so much more than that. However, I do still have 43.8 pounds until I get to where I really want to be. But jeeeeez, my thighs are so humongous! They're absolutely massive! I want them to be smaller. And my rear end? Gaaahhhh!! Even bigger! I mean, I kind of like when ladies have a little bit of 'junk in the trunk,' (heehee) but my ass is the bad-huge kind of rear, not the good-huge kind of rear. It makes me cringe just thinking about it.

*Siiiiiiiigggghhhh*

... I feel a long day ahead of me. I just want to get through this day! I really should get on my bicycle and burn some calories, and I'm already dressed, so I might as well do that after I finish this blog post.

My mother told me last night that playing board games for about 20 minutes burns roughly 32 calories. We play Rummikub (a board game) at supper every single night, so I then thought to myself, "Hah, that means that supper has virtually no bad effect because I'm burning more calories just by playing the board game than my supper actually gives me!" But instead I just pretended that I knew nothing about what she was talking about and was very confused by the concept of 'Calories.' ... "Was, Mum? What are calories?"

My family has a Wii console and Wii Fit, so I think I might go on that today and do an update. I haven't been on Wii Fit for like... eight or nine months. I'm worried though, that if my father sees me on it, he will think I'm thinking too much about my weight. Maybe I'll refrain for now. 

Well anyway... off I go into the wilderness, heh.

Miss Madeline Fogg

What the Hell is 'Breakfast'?

This morning I ate breakfast. Weird, right? I almost forgot that breakfast exists. Flax Plus Multibran Flakes with some milk. Total, it was 50 calories. Those were definitely burned off on my bike ride though. Trying this whole breakfast thing was okay... but I think I won't do that again.


Work was nice. :) I think today is the only day so far that I can honestly say that. I keep thinking that this guy that works with me there is interested in me. I mean, I catch him looking at me, he always brushes by me or bumps me even though there's plenty of room, he jokes with me, he situates himself in order to sit/be by me, he shows off in front of me, and he just flat-out flirts with me sometimes. I'm definitely getting the hints, but I don't want to be too forward, especially since I don't know him all that well. Hell, he might have a girl/boyfriend (in which case he's a terrible boyfriend). I'd like to play it cool, but I'm finding myself wondering if we'll be scheduled for work at the same time or if I'll see him or if he'll talk to me. Jeez, just chill the fuck out, Fogg. Gawd.


Well anyway, supper tonight will be salad (again) with that light dressing that tastes like raspberries. Yum. That will be 25 cal. Tuesday Calorie Count: 75. I weighed myself this morning out of curiosity and the scale said 156. It's kind of addictive, seeing the number drop. 


I forgot to stop by the craft store (which is near work) today after work to get some shit to do in my spare time instead of eating (beads for bracelets, other shit, etc.). Oh, and I forgot to swing by the food store (also near work) and get some even lighter salad dressing. But that's okay because it gives me a reason to cycle all the way down there tomorrow, which I wouldn't have done because I have that day off. So more exercise, yay!


I stocked up on sugar-free mint gum today because that helps me to not eat. And it keeps my breath spelling nice. I quite like mint gum. It's seriously the best thing ever. I can't get enough!


Well, I suppose that's it for today. I think I might try to get an anorexia buddy... maybe... maybe not. I'll think about it.


Thin for him.








Miss Madeline Fogg

Grilled Cheese 2.0

Today, I found the best "meal substitute" ever. It's a piece of toast (made with a certain type of bread) with half a wedge of a certain low-fat cheese spread. It tastes like grilled cheese and is 81.25 calories! And I could cut it in half and could save the other half for some time later, or just throw it away. I feel really good about this. :D Meanwhile, I'm drinking more water in order to fill up and chewing sugarfree gum to curb my appetite.


That said, my calorie count today should be under 100 because for supper all I have to do is pick at a salad and drink some water so that my parents think I eat more than I actually do. I ate that toast in front of my father & brother earlier so that's good. And my family will see me eat the salad later (which for me is only negative-calorie vegetables and half a serving of a very light 50-cal-per-serving vinaigrette). Being an acclaimed vegetarian is certainly helpful.


I do wish though that I had more freedom and control. I want to be in university and have total control of what I eat (or rather - don't). I'll just have to wait a wee bit while longer for that though.  It's taking a little too long for me to see the results that I want to see, but I did mess up last week by getting off to a rougher start than preferable. I think if I don't see more prominent results by my next weigh-in (Sunday), then I'll kick it up a notch and start exercising more.


But to remind myself, my goal is 48 more pounds in 7 weeks. That's a bit under 7 pounds a week. *Gasp!* A realization just hit me! This is feasible! This is tangible! Last week, even with that rough start, I managed to lose 5.8 pounds!! I can totally do this and I've just gotten a huge explosion of motivation. This whole time I've been thinking, 'Well maybe... just maybe I can do it. It's not certain though.' And now that I've just actually done the math, I can totally get this done! I just have to manage myself and keep my sights set on my goal. :)


I can do this!








Miss Madeline Fogg

Animal Cookies

Hello, Nobody.


I had some pickles and some animal crackers today, which I don't feel super good about.... BUT! My calorie count is still under 200. So that's good, but I can't really have anything else.


I mean, I'll have to eat some salad in front of my parents, but lettuce is a negative-calorie food. And the pickles I ate earlier didn't have any calories at all. So basically all of my calories are coming from those stupid frosted animal cookies! I must keep those out of sight.


Something that helps me to stay away from various foods is if the food has an animal product in it (sometimes I have to convince myself that it does). That's how I gave up Nutella! So essentially, I'm vegan! Hah... Anyway, I think that frosted animal crackers just gained some animal product (some dye that is used in the frosting that comes from a strange and unorthodox animal product).


This week, I work on Tuesday, Friday, and Saturday. So Monday, Wednesday, and Thursday, I need something to do so that I'm not sitting around the apartment all day and at risk of eating. I think tomorrow (Monday) I'll go on a hike or even a bike-and-hike. That should be fun, right? Maybe Wednesday... I'll take my summer mathematics work and go to the other library. And Thursday I think I'll go to the local gym and get a membership. I already have the form, I only need to fill it out and turn it in.


Well, I just need to stay strong for the rest of the day. I can do this!


Weekly weigh-in: 158.2 lbs.


That's not enough, Fogg. You need to work harder, Fogg.








Miss Madeline Fogg

10 Green Beans

Ten green beans is all that's in my diet journal today. They were stacked up in a little building. It was pretty damn cute.


Good work, Miss Fogg.








Miss Madeline Fogg

Nausea

It's almost 17:00 and I haven't eaten anything but some baby pickles (which have 0 calories in them). I've had a few pieces of sugarfree gum, but I burned off those calories just chewing the gum.


I felt really sick on my way home from work. I think that's because my parents decided to drive me (I'm rarely in cars). But work itself was nice. :) I got put on the desk at work today, which was really refreshing.


I totally binged on cereal (fucking love cereal). I swear, it was like 7 billion calories. I'll have to get on my bicycle and work that off this evening. Gah, what a failure.


There's not much more to say. I feel a lot of pressure on me lately. I just want to complete the IB. :(




Keep me strong, Ana.








Miss Madeline Fogg

Not So Bad

Today wasn't so bad. I woke up at 5:30, when my mother left for work. Then I hung around by myself and did some laundry, got ready for work, and watched episodes of Monk (Tony Shalhoub <3), took a caffeine pill, and then left on my bicycle at 9:00. I built a lunch before I left and sent a picture of it to my mother with "Yummy lunch! Love you!" as the message. I threw it away later, of course. I hate to waste money like that, but food is the enemy. At work at the library I cleaned and shelved and worked with children (I hate children)... but it wasn't all bad...


There's a guy at work that's kinda cute. He's charming as well, and I can tell that he's trying to impress me. I don't want to get ahead of myself though, because I think he's the type of guy that tries to impress all of the female gender. And besides, why would anyone want me anyway?


It's only 16:20, but I already know how the rest of the day is going to go. The landlord is going to come over and inspect things. My father and I are going to go to the organic produce guy downstairs and buy some produce items. Then we will come back and make a salad with onions and peppers (and maybe eggs). And then we'll all choose our dressings and I'll pick the lightest one and then pick around at everything and maybe have some salad. Then we'll watch TV and I'll go on my laptop ... we might play some Rock Band.


I think today's calories will come up to about 10 or 15. However, I cycled 18km (pretty quickly and with some challenging terrain, too). So...... not so bad, eh? :)


Needless to say, I'm not feeling totally awful.


I'm on my way.








Miss Madeline Fogg

I Want

I'm feeling quite strange today... I ate some granola, nuts, cranberries, and pickles earlier. I think everything totaled to about 350 calories. I'm not very worried about that, although I would like to keep my intake under 200 calories a day. Yesterday was about the same. I think I just need to fill up on water constantly so that I don't even feel hungry to begin with. Then I won't have problems with the cravings.


I fooled my mum into believing that I also had cereal, and I'm going to tell her that I ate something while she was away shopping (which she is doing now). I'll probably tell her that I had some peanut butter or something else with a lot of fat.


I've found that if I'm lounging around the house all day (which is bad...) in exercise clothes, I'm more likely to get up and do something physical (jumping jacks, run in place, sit-ups, push-ups) than when I lounge around in my pajamas (in which case I just lie around and eat all day - ew). But I think if I would lounge around in normal street clothes, I wouldn't do anything at all. So exercise clothes it is.


I'm please with how I must cycle to work every day I work (almost every day) because the ride there is a bit difficult and I always rush myself and push myself as hard as I can go. I think I might lengthen the rides from 30 minutes to 45-60 minutes or tell my mother that I get off work later or something so that I can continue working out and come home later, therefore avoiding food for that much longer.


Lately I've been watching a lot of this show called Supersize VS Superskinny. And I'm not exactly sure why, maybe it's the morbidly obese people shoving their faces that grosses me out, but watching it makes me want to never eat again. So I think I'll continue watching that show. I just have to make sure that my parents don't see what I watch, because they will begin to suspect something. I think my mother already does. My parents aren't complete idiots. I thought I was doing a very nice job of hiding things, but I must be more careful, or my relationship with Ana is going to come to a horrid, horrid end.... that would make me so sad.


Ana and I are starting to get into the hang of things. :) She's so great. <3


My goal is to be 115 lbs. by the time school starts back up again in the fall (August 27th). I think I can do it, but I know I have to stay really focused. I want to go back to school and show everyone how skinny I am. I want them to whisper behind my back about it. I want to hear someone comment on how good I look or how much weight I've lost. I want them to be jealous of me, instead of me being jealous of them. I want to be the new skinny girl in class. I want to be set free with Ana.


I will be set free with Ana.








Miss Madeline Fogg

Lifelong Lullaby

I really like this song a lot:

It's called "Lifelong Lullaby" by Will Derryberry. I first heard it on the very last episode of the show Life and I decided that it was fabulous. It just makes me so calm. I love his voice. I wish there was someone that would say these words to me and mean them, but that person just doesn't exist.


Here are the lyrics:


Easy, easy.
Don't let this world get you down,
Though you may be,
I'll always be with you.

Easy, baby.
Worry yourself no more,
You're not alone,
Tonight I am by your side.

Here I am, here I am,
Sending love to you -
Your lifelong lullaby.

Here I am, here I am,
While you sleep I sing
Your lifelong lullaby.

Easy, easy.
Time will pass me by.
Blue you may be,
I'll always be with you.

Easy, baby.
Though you may see me no more,
You're not alone,
Tonight I am by your side.

Here I am, here I am,
Sending love to you,
Your lifelong lullaby.

Here I am, here I am -
While you sleep I sing
Your lifelong lullaby.

You're not alone;
Tonight I am by your side.


That's it, really. Just a little tidbit that I thought I'd share with... whoever might stumble on this page.








Miss Madeline Fogg